WELL, the first month of 2017 was silent here on the blog- for a couple of reasons. For one thing, applying to jobs and schlepping through the longest month of winter (in my not-so-humble opinion) kind of zapped my creativity and desire to write for fun. At least, that's what I've been telling myself for the last few weeks.
Wednesday night I saw my brother for the first time in a few weeks and he asked me how the blog was going. When I told him it wasn't really going at the moment, he said, "So you've just stopped posting?" He didn't say it to make me feel bad, but I think he was genuinely surprised. He had listened to me brainstorm about the blog idea for months and he had always been really encouraging and supportive.
That being said, my brother is not one to sugar coat the truth. He calls 'em like he sees 'em and when he sensed me fumbling around for excuses as to why I haven't been blogging (I've been busy job searching and writing for other sites) he stared me down until I finally 'fessed up about the real reason I've been MIA: I've been feeling discouraged ever since the ebook was a flop and the redesign didn't attract many more readers. As an avid reader of many other blogs and a steady (borderline stalker-ish) follower of many wellness Instagram accounts, I was feeling worthless and small compared to all the other content that exists out there.
I didn't exactly say all of this to my brother, but he got the jist. His response? "You just gotta keep doing it!" (This coming from the guy I had to convince to go to class most mornings of his senior year in college....)
I came away from this conversation realizing that I have been way too attached to the outcome, and not only of this blog, but of my job search, of my workouts, of my food choices. For someone who considers herself not much of a math person, I've been operating with a very equational way of thinking: 1 + 1 = 2 (which is, obviously, not an alternative fact) hoping that I can control what I put in in order to guarantee what I get out. I've been forgetting that we don't have complete control over the equation, so in reality it looks a little more like this: 1 + ? = ? In focusing too much on the outcome of the blog, nothing was coming out at all.
As diabetics, we practice this kind of logic every single day. This amount of carbs plus this amount of insulin should yield THIS result. Perhaps that is why, if I'm not careful, I can get a little too concerned with the outcome in other areas of my life. But, even with diabetes, it rarely works out the way we intend. I eat the same breakfast every day, yet sometimes my body reacts differently to my meticulously calculated bolus. Does an undesirable blood sugar a couple hours later mean that I give up entirely and stop bolusing all together? I don't think so. As much as we are taught to plan and try to anticipate how our blood sugars will react, sometimes it really comes down to just taking it one test, one dose at a time. Otherwise, we can lose a lot of our joy to this condition. Diabetes teaches us that the outcome is never worth holding on to, but no matter what, you just gotta keep doing it.
And so, with a little brotherly wisdom, I have returned to the blog with a renewed sense of why I started this in the first place and fresh energy to get back at it. My general intention for 2017 is to release the results, so that I can experience more joy.